The Long-Awaited GORGEOUS Dress!

I promised to take a few photos in the dress my friend Gail gave me. I only liked one of the photos I took, and I didn't really like that one by much, but here it is:

The photo doesn't really convey how beautiful this dress is. I'm sorry about that! To make up for it, here are some leg pics...

For the first pic, I had layered a pair of black glossy pantyhose over a pair of even glossier nude pantyhose. The result, while slippery as can be (the black ones kept sliding down!) was underwhelming...

So I took off the black sliders and just took a photo with the SUPER glossy Super Lucido 10's (I reviewed them in a recent post). Bada bing...

So there you have it! The GORGEOUS and my obsession with photographing my legs (and pedicure) in glossy hosiery. I'm going to run off and be silly elsewhere now.

Wait! Where did November Go?

Sorry I've been so scarce!

I realize the readership of this blog is very low. Like single digits low. I blog here more for the catharsis it provides - getting things off my chest and out in the open. However, for those precious few of you who actually read this blog, I sincerely apologize for not posting for the past few weeks.

The high from venturing out with my mom and aunt has faded, and I'm looking for more. I'd really like to get out to the local gay-friendly club this Saturday to see my favorite drag performer strut her stuff. Of course, I'd love to strut mine as well! Money may be tight, though, so it may not really be possible.

In either event, I'd really like to get Marika out of the house and into the big world for at least a night.

Honestly, I've been looking for an excuse to wear the gorgeous dress my friend (I call her Gale here, not her real name) gave me back in September. I'll have to take a few photos of the dress (preferably with me in it) to give you an idea of why I gush over it so.

Of course, I'm still working on my makeup skills, with mixed results. I fiddled with my cheap-ass eye shadow last week and rather liked the results, but had to quickly wipe it all off because my beloved Larissa (also not her real name) was due home any moment, so I didn't take any photos. I've been trolling Facebook Marketplace for decent eye shadow palettes, with some success. There is a lady selling 5 palettes for less than $20 total (and a couple of them are pretty high-end), which I tried to buy last week, but the lady was out of town. If she still has them when I'm off work on Thursday, I'm going to buy them and probably use them up practicing. What's money for if you don't enjoy what you spend it on?

News, everybody!

My hat's off to you if you got the Futurama reference. If you didn't, don't sweat it. Anyway, I have an appointment with a new doctor on Thursday (29 November), and I've decided that I'm going to wear whatever the hell I like to the appointment. What's more, we have carpet cleaners coming over later the same day, and I'm not going to change just for the carpet guy. If he doesn't like what I'm wearing, he can just stick to cleaning the carpet. If he does like what I'm wearing, well, he can just stick to cleaning the carpet. I'm not paying him to ogle me and shower me with compliments. I am, however, highly susceptible to flattery, and such compliments might just result in a generous gratuity...

Back to the doctor thing! I've read many accounts of my crossdressing sisters going to see their physicians with polish on their toes or wearing pretty panties, often surprised that the medical professionals are unfazed by such things. I don't recall reading any accounts of similar meetings while wearing overtly feminine clothes. My intention, on Thursday, is to wear a dress or skirt and glossy pantyhose (of course with cute girly panties), along with obviously feminine footwear and jewelry. I'll also include some lip gloss, maybe some blush and eyeliner / shadow if I'm feeling really provocative. This is basically the mode in which I'm comfortable presenting myself to the world at large. I've ventured out into "public" many times dressed this way. I've drawn a few looks and a giggle or two, but it's comfortable for me, so the opinions of others slide off my back like water off a duck.

Why would the staff at the clinic even care? I'm not there for a makeover and they're not there to critique my outfit (God the stuff I wear in "male" mode would probably draw stronger critique), so all's good, right?

I'll try to remember to post an update after the doctor visit and after the carpet cleaner leaves. I may even ask the doctor or nurse to snap a few shots of me in my femme finery, just for you, my dear readers.

Out With Mom

My mom offered to take Marika to lunch last week, and even offered to help with my makeup if I wanted. It's tough to pass up an offer like that!

So I got all dolled up (well as dolled up as I know how to get) and off I went to mom's house. My aunt joined us and we headed to the local Latin / Asian fusion restaurant.

The restaurant was very nice, but pretty empty. Our server, Jeeta, went out of her way to call us all "ladies" several times, which was a bit strange for me, but really sweet (her tip reflected my appreciation). The food was good, the company was excellent and we all finished up and left without incident.

After dropping my mom off, I decided to join my aunt for a few errands around town. We drove to a few home improvement stores, enjoying the stares and confused looks we got from the other customers. Even though I got a few odd looks, there were no problems and everything went quite well.

Okay, enough of the blah blah blah...you want to see photos? Right on...

I even changed outfits just to see how my makeup job would look with it...

Hosiery Review - Cecilia de Rafael Eterno Super Lucido 10

I haven't done a hosiery review in a long time, and for that I apologize. I've tried a few new brands and styles of tights / pantyhose since the last review, including Gipsy Metallic tights from the UK. I promise I'll give them a review later on, but for now...

Cecilia de Rafael Eterno Super Lucido 10

Cecilia de Rafael, based in Spain, has had a huge role in defining European luxury hosiery in recent years. Their Eterno line rivals the grand dame of the glossy tights world, Platino Cleancut 15. In fact, it's been my experience that certain shades of Eterno tights out-gloss certain shades of Cleancuts, but I digress. Cecilia de Rafael has become a major contender in the glossy pantyhose marketplace.

Earlier this year, CdR released a thinner version of their Eterno Super Lucido line, this time in 10 denier rather than the previously available 20 denier. The company claimed that the 10 denier version is equal in gloss and slipperiness to their Super Lucido 20's.

I purchased a pair in the shade "Dore" from Simply Classic Hosiery (use code "SHINY" for 25% off!)

Here's my review...

The Basics

Cecilia de Rafael Eterno Super Lucido 10's are a 10-denier, glossy sheer-to-waist pantyhose. They have no gusset, no waistband and sheer toes. They are offered in 6 sizes and 5 different shades. They are manufactured in Spain and sold worldwide.

Fit

My previous experience with Cecilia de Rafael hosiery was that it fit somewhat loosely. I'm 5'8" tall and weigh just under 200 lbs, so I always opt for the largest size available. With the Eterno 15's and the Super Lucido 20's, I had no problem getting into the tights, but had to adjust (read: "pull up") them rather often, which is no fun. With these Super Lucido 10's, it was more of a challenge to get my feet and legs into them (the panty fit without a problem), but once they were situated, they stayed up quite well. The toe seams were unforgiving -- Once my foot was in the tights, no amount of tugging or gentle persuasion would get those darn toe seams to stay where they belonged. While this is a minor gripe, it can become quite uncomfortable after wearing them for a few hours with a pair of heels.

Finish

The reason people buy this sort of pantyhose (at least my main reason) is the gloss / shine of them. Glossy legs draw attention and look sexy, and this pair of tights is an excellent example of that. My Super Lucido 20's didn't seem to have this much shine to them when I first tried them. These babies look like glass on my legs! Check it out:

Observations

Though the Super Lucido 10's are only half as thick as their 20-denier contemporaries, I didn't really notice it. They didn't feel ultra sheer to me. That's not a problem, but I thought they'd feel thinner or lighter in some way.

Conclusion

These tights are EXCELLENT. Seriously! If you like shiny pantyhose, these are a MUST HAVE! I haven't owned them long enough to know if they're as resilient as the Eterno 15's or the Super Lucido 20's, but I have a feeling they are. To give you an idea, I bought my first pair of Eterno 15's about 2 years ago, and they still look brand new, even though I've worn them several times and have a history of being a bit rough on my hosiery. The price I paid for my Eterno's (about $15 US per pair) is well worth the many wearings I've enjoyed from them.

New Dress(es)!

A couple weeks ago, Larissa asked me to order her a Halloween costume from Walmart's website, since I have a Walmart credit card and she doesn't. No problem. I'll just order the costume and be done with it...

Wait a minute, Walmart has dresses on clearance? Woah, horsey! Let's take a look...

Well isn't that cute? I've been looking for some new dresses lately, and this one looks super comfy...

Oh, that's just darling! I've never worn a "cold shoulder" dress or top before, and the price is quite reasonable!

So I bought Larissa's costume and scooped up a couple new dresses to go with it. The red one fits perfectly and is every bit as comfy as I thought it would be. The blue one is a bit tight, but I love it, so I'll have to wear some sort of shapewear with it.

Though I've tried both dresses, I haven't taken any photos of myself wearing them. I'm working on my makeup skills and trying to find / style a wig that I like. When I'm happy with those things, I'll post plenty of photos in these and other dresses (including the one Gail gave me the night we went to the drag performance...OMG it's SOOOO gorgeous!)

Sorry I haven't posted many updates lately. I've been going through some serious depression and grappling with some relationship issues. Rest assured that things are shaping up and my mental state is 180° from what it was a week or so ago.

Thanks for reading! Please share this blog with anyone you think would enjoy it!

XOXO
Marika

More Makeup Practice

Day Off!

After an overnight stay in Milwaukee for a Metallica performance, I found myself at home alone with some time on my hands. So I pulled out all my makeup (not a huge collection, but enough for a beginner) and set to work trying to look feminine, but not like a clown.

Here are the results, along with a shot of today's outfit. How did I do?

I rather like this wig, don't you?

My glasses cover up the dark area under my eyes well, but they also obscure my eye makeup.

I went to the quickie mart dressed like this. Aside from some looks from the cashier, it wasn't a big deal.

I feel like I'm doing alright with my makeup so far, but without some coaching, I won't be able to move beyond the basic look. I'd like to learn to do winged eyeliner and cut creases and the like, but for now I'm happy that I don't look like the poor girl in the photo above.

Feel free to comment!

Time Flies, but Flies Can't Tell Time

Has it really been over a month since I posted? Bad! Bad Marika! LOL

Things have settled into a rather dull routine since my outing to the drag performance. I haven't gone out fully "done up" since. However, I have purchased 2 new wigs, a bunch of makeup and yet another pair of the addictive Gipsy Metallic tights, this time in Fuscia. In fact, I've taken a few photos of my first attempt at doing my own makeup, and whaddya know, the fuscia tights and both wigs are pictured! Wanna see?

Not the best makeup job, I know. From the photos, I can barely tell I'm wearing any makeup, though I spent the better part of an hour slathering it on. It's better than slathering too much and looking like a party clown, so no hurt feelings. I'm really looking forward to improving my makeup skills. I know it won't happen overnight, but when it does happen, look out, world!

I actually got a compliment on these wedge booties from another member at Crossdressers.com. I also was asked why my dress looks so "bumpy". I was trying out a new pair of hip & butt padded undies, along with a waist cincher and a bra. I can see where the bumpiness comes into play. I think what I need to find next is some sort of spandex tank top to smooth out my look. Any suggestions?

Tomorrow is my day off! Hooray for tomorrow! Of course, I have to work the following 3 days afterwards, but the payoff is going to see Metallica with my sibs on Tuesday night. Holy crap, is it only 5 days away? I'm so excited! I've loved Metallica since I was just a boy...err girl(?). Anyway, I digress. Tomorrow is my day off. That means Marika gets out of her drab cage and gets to go out into the world. The world may never recover.

It gets better! Marika has a mission! Our car's registration expires at the end of the month. Uber believes it expires in 4 days. If I don't get that registration renewed before then, Uber won't let me drive until I prove to them it's current. No problemo! Tomorrow, I'll take Larissa to work, keeping the car (it's her daily driver), then run home, get all dolled up (maybe even with makeup!) and sashay my fancy butt down to the local DMV office. As fun as that sounds, it's doubtful that even a man in a dress, wig, heels and (crappy) makeup could liven that place up. Truthfully, I probably won't wear makeup. I'm in far too dire need of practice to attempt an outing without Brenda's help. So no makeup, and probably no wig, either. The dress, pantyhose, heels and earrings, however, are an absolute lock.

I've recently come to realize that I don't own nearly enough dresses, and the ones I do own are mostly floor-length. So, after the depression party at the DMV, I'm off to the local thrift shops in search of new and shorter dresses! If I find any cute tops, I'll probably buy them, especially if they're on some sort of clearance sale.

After that, I'll probably go home, change into my drab male clothes, meet Larissa for lunch, change back into Marika's glam clothes, do a bit more shopping or hang out with Brenda. Typical day off stuff. Marika won't see the light of day again until next Wednesday, so I hope I can pack a lot into a short period of time.

Janey Uber Alles

In 2016, Larissa and I traveled to Las Vegas along with my sister (known to my dear readers as Julie). On the advice of a friend who's been there many times, we skipped the local cabs in favor of the popular rideshare service, Uber. Our experience with Uber in Vegas was excellent. So much so, in fact, that I decided to sign up as a driver just as soon as we got back to Wisconsin.

The only problem was our car, a 2006 Subaru B9 Tribeca. A few months after I started driving for Uber, I was informed that our car was too old, and that I couldn't use it to drive their passengers around anymore.

Fast forward to this June. Our beloved Subaru came up lame and we had to have her shot. In her place, we bought a lovely 2017 Nissan Rogue. It's Larissa's daily driver, and she's quite fond of it. It also solves my Uber problem. On my days off from work (the days I don't volunteer to work overtime), I can take Larissa to her job, then use the Rogue to Uber my little black heart out (and earn some coin along the way). It's really the best I can do to make extra money with the DOT's ridiculous rules. In a nutshell, I'm only allowed to work 70 hours a week, after which I have to take a 34-hour break. I like earning money, so...

In my never ending quest to expose the world (or at least my local community) to Marika, I've decided to take up the mantle of Uber driver once more. My plan is to "half dress" while driving. That is, a normal "male" shirt on top with a lovely skirt, hose and girl shoes on the bottom. Sorta like this:

I've shaved off the scruff since this photo was shot. Thank goodness.

Some friends on one of the CD sites I visit have expressed concern for my safety while driving these Uber passengers around in such attire. I, however, am supremely confident that everything will go smoothly. I only intend to drive during the day, and after the many experiments I've conducted in my local area, I'm convinced that people hereabouts don't really give a darn if I wear skirts or not.

So Monday (2 days from now), I'm going to give it a go. If you live in my area and call for an Uber on Monday, 

See y'all on the flipside.

Another Baby Step

As has become customary on my days off from work, today was Marika's day to go out and enjoy herself. At some point during the day, I decided that I would not be switching back to drab mode when Larissa got home from work. Usually Larissa calls me on her way home to chit chat, and usually I take the occasion of her call to change back into my boring guy clothes.

A week or so ago, I cut short a day of letting Marika out & about to join Larissa for a drink at our favorite local watering hole. Cut short that is, with the exception of the ultra sheer pantyhose I kept on under my shorts. Previously, I've worn them around Larissa without her noticing. Well, on this particular evening she noticed straight away, and was very unhappy about it.

Upon discussion, I learned that Larissa felt "ambushed" by me and my hosiery. She felt like I thrust it upon her without warning, and in a public place, which made her feel very uneasy. One of her good friends was at the bar with her and Larissa was worried that the friend would notice. Rather than get upset with my beloved for her recalcitrance, I decided to use this episode as a learning experience.

To that end, I decided to conduct a small experiment. I would tell Larissa during our phone call that I was wearing a skirt, so she didn't feel "ambushed" again. Then I would gauge her reaction at actually seeing me in my femme attire. I was very pleasantly surprised!

Upon arriving home, Larissa gave my lower half a long glance, shrugged her shoulders and carried on with her usual evening rituals. This represents a change from her normal behavior. Previously, any time I would even mention crossdressing, she would turn cold, as if she'd just received awful news. This would go on for hours, and I would inevitably feel as though I'd injured her in some way. Tonight, there was no coldness. She was affectionate, talkative and generally upbeat.

I wore my skirt until bedtime. Larissa came to tuck me in and snuggle for a bit.

It was a very nice departure and quite an enjoyable evening.

Boys Will Be Girls

Larissa was out of town on Saturday, so I took the opportunity to get together with a GG friend of mine and go see a local drag performance. I didn't intend to go 100% female, but my friend (heretofore called Brenda) insisted on doing my makeup and styling my hair. Brenda also chose my dress, jewelry and even the shoes I wore.Needless to say, I'm awful at makeup and at coordinating outfits. I'm still male, after all. Brenda was a life saver!

The show was really fun and the performers were absolutely beautiful. My favorite performer agreed to take a selfie with me (which turned out awful! I need to get better at selfie-taking), then appeared outside 15 minutes later, but I didn't recognize her in boy mode. She's just as pretty as a boy as she is as a girl, and very sweet besides.

My first trip to a gay club and to a drag performance was fun, easy and very memorable. I'll definitely do it again.

Here we see Marika, nervous as hell but trying to act at ease for the camera. The smile is genuine. The breasts are not, though they look pretty nice if I do say so myself!

And here we see the effects of too much alcohol, coupled with the effects of Brenda snapping pictures of me every time I blink. In this case, the smile is forced, and the only thoughts going through my mind were "hurry up and take the damned picture so I can relax!"

Rainy Monday

What's a girl to do on a rainy Monday off from work? What would a normal, red-blooded dude do? I have no idea! But what I would (and did) do is slip into some glossy pantyhose, a tight skirt and some shiny shoes, then go out about the town!

My sweet little doggy had an appointment with the vet today (just an annual checkup, don't worry -- she's healthy as a horse), so I decided to let Marika take her. Everyone at the veterinary clinic was super nice. I know they were checking out my legs, and why not? I have some very nice legs!

After my baby's exam, I stopped at the UPS store to send off a package. Once again, had I  not known that I was wearing these lovely feminine things, I wouldn't have been tipped off by anyone else. This is EXACTLY what I fantasize about. Me, wearing whatever I'm comfortable with, mixing with the public, with nary a word being said one way or another.

The more often I engage in these little adventures, the more confident I am and the more it seems like a non-issue. I dearly love walking about in femme things, and welcome the world at large to notice, but in the same way they'd notice an interesting haircut or a particular bit of jewelry. If they like it, they should feel free to say so. If not, they should feel free to move on with their day.

Every bold step into the public eye proves more and more that most people simply don't care. I like that. That's my dream.

Anyway, enough of my prattling. Would you like to see what I wore to the vet and the UPS store? OK, here it is:

 

Sorry about the flash in these photos. I was trying to show off the gloss of these pantyhose, but ended up looking ridiculous instead. This was the first Lularoe skirt I ever bought. I love how it hugs my legs and when I saw the geometric pattern, I just had to have it. I've since bought 2 more of the same style (Lularoe calls it "Cassie"), and I'm sure I'll buy plenty more.

Here I am outside, still trying to show off the gloss on my legs. The sunlight is not cooperating!! Just take my word for it, these tights are super glossy.

Finally, a gratuitous full-body selfie. My selfie stick needs to be charged, so I'm stuck taking this photo the old fashioned way. I'll try again later to get a good full-body shot. Maybe my selfie stick will cooperate at some point...damn these rainy Mondays!

New shoes!!

I hope you all aren't getting tired of me obsessing over girly things. It's kinda what I do!

Anyhoo, I went a little bonkers last week ordering new shoes. 6 new pair, in fact. As I mentioned in the last post, I also bought a whole bunch of skirts and a new top last Sunday, with my ex-brother-in-law, Bill. It seems I've caught the shopping bug, and I've succumbed to it willingly and happily.

Oh, you want to see the new shoes? Well, I've only taken photos of 3 pair, the 3 I think are the cutest and girliest. So let's dive right in...

 

First, these lovely flats from Payless. They're called "Tully smoking flats" for whatever reason. I like them because they're flats and because they're super shiny (I'm such a sucker for shiny things!). They're super comfy and I don't think they look half bad on me.

Next up, a pair of basic ballet flats, also from Payless. These are a bit large on me, so I'll walk right out of them if I'm not careful. They are, however, very cute with their little buckles, so I'll keep them. I also bought a pair of dark purple / maroon ballet flats (not shown here), which fit much better, but I don't really have an outfit to wear them with, so I'll show photos of them another time.

Let's look at the last pair (my favorite out of the bunch)...

These are also from Payless. They're called "Trina block heeled sandals," and they're THE BOMB. The block heel makes it easy to walk in them, compared to the stilettos I was wearing last week. Super comfy and cute, I think they were a great buy.

The Trina's came in the mail a few days ago, and I had to run to the JC Penney store at the local mall to pick up the last 2 pair I bought last week (some awesome black booties and a pair of wedge sandals), so I slipped into a pair of Platino Cleancut 15 glossy pantyhose, one of the Lularoe Cassie skirts I bought last week, and my gorgeous new Trina's, hopped in the car and drove to the mall. 

Walking through JC Penney made me more nervous than I expected. I walked from the entrance to the checkout area, only to learn that the "online purchases" desk was on the opposite side of the store.

So I walked, in my heels, to the opposite end of the store. Everything was going really well. I even passed by a couple of women shopping for shoes. Neither said anything, so onward I strode.

Once at the pickup counter, I had no choice but to swallow my nervousness. After confirming my identity with the lady at the counter, she shuffled off to find my new shoes, leaving me standing at the counter. Not long after, two women showed up to pick up their online orders. There I stood, skirt, nylons & heels on display for all to see, trying to play it off like everything was normal. I think I did alright, so I went back to the car.

I intended to go to a local thrift store (I know, I know!) to look for a purse (I've been carrying a fanny pack around and it's just not filling the bill), but I chickened out at the last moment and drove home.

Interesting side note - driving in heels, especially in a 5-speed Saturn, is much more challenging than driving in work boots or sneakers. Keep that in mind, boys and girls.

So that's my crossdressing adventure for this morning. I hope you enjoyed reading about it!

Sunday Fun Day

Larissa drove down to Madison to attend a food festival with a friend of hers (about a 90 minute drive each way), giving me time to let Marika out for a bit, and Marika has become more and more fond of public outings!

First, I called up my brother-in-law (partner in crime would be more accurate) and told him I'd be free all afternoon if he wanted to hang out. Not to read too much into it, but the guy (I think I've been calling him Bill) really seems to enjoy spending time with me in my skirts and such. I'll just leave it at that.

Anyway, Bill comes over and I tell him I have a few errands to run. He offers to drive, so off we go. I was wearing a cream colored maxi skirt with a matching top over a white cami. I rounded out the ensemble with a pair of flip flops.

First, we stopped at a gas station to buy beer and cigarettes. I strolled confidently into the building, made my purchases, joked with the cashier about having nothing to wear, and made my way back to the car. That was the easy part. On to Walmart, to buy some toiletries. Bill parked about 3 blocks away from the entrance, maybe because he enjoys watching me draw strange looks as much as I do, maybe just because he likes the walk. Either way, everything went very well. After making my purchases at Wally World, I even stood outside the bathroom area, waiting for Bill to take care of some paperwork. I watched as one manly man after another walked by, with nary a look my way. My confidence was sky high.

Then it was on to the thrift store, where Marika went out of her mind, buying 6 new skirts (2 of which are Lularoe Cassie's (my absolute favorite) and a lacy top to go along with one of the skirts (a long grey and purple striped number with an open front).

Finally, we stopped by the jewelry store to return my fiancee's engagment ring (again) for repair. We must have stood in that jewelry store for half an hour before anyone came over to help. All the while, this tiny little girl, maybe a year old, kept toddling toward me despite the admonishments from her father to stay close to him. Finally, the lady took a look at the ring, showed it to the goldsmith, and declared that the broken bit was a manufacturer defect, thus they jeweler would have it repaired at no cost to me. I was relieved since the last time I brought the ring to them, the quoted me $50 for the repair.

After the jewelry shop, we headed back to my house, where I simply couldn't wait to try on my new purchases. I slipped out of my cream-colored outfit and into the grey/purple skirt and matching lace top. Under the skirt I wore the most wonderful silver metallic tights, which I just received from the UK. As a finishing touch, I climbed into my 5" platform stilettos and tottered out into the living room, to an approving look from Bill.

As I said, Marika likes to be seen, so it wasn't long before we found an excuse to venture outside. Bill likes to play this Pokemon Go game an awful lot, and he found a "gym" at the church 3 doors down from my house. As we walked by my neighbor's house, she looked up from the book she was reading and notice us. I explained that we were playing Pokemon Go, to which she replied, "you're certainly dressed for it." Touche, neighbor. Touche. At the church, with his Pokemon business concluded, Bill offered to take a photo of me to mark the occasion. Why not, right? So I pose....in front of the church marquee which reads, "all are welcome." I wonder how true that is....

Anyway, here's the photo he took. Try not to stare for too long, as it may burn your eyes.

Second Outing in a Week

It looks like Larissa is taking rather large "baby steps" toward acceptance of my crossdressing. Last night we drove to Milwaukee to see the Temptations perform at the Wisconsin State Fair. At home, before we left for the 2-hour drive to Milwaukee, Larissa asks why I don't just wear my sandals. I remind her that we're going to a place with a lot of people, some of whom will be drunk and may say something rude about the guy with the pink toenails. She says she doesn't care and that she won't know anyone at the state fair anyway.

The evening was fun and the Temptations put on a terrific show. I caught a man doing a double-take at my feet, but he said nothing. Outings like this are excellent in helping Larissa to see that nobody is really paying attention to what I'm wearing, and after seeing some of the folks at the fair, I dare say I look better in a dress than some of these women do!

Times, They Are A Changing

The Fallout From Last Week

I mentioned that my fiancee was very upset at my newfound passion for crossdressing in public. To say that she was alarmed would be like calling the Grand Canyon a pothole. She went bananas. In her defense, I've known for years that she doesn't handle change very well, especially when it's thrust upon her, so I can't judge her too harshly for wigging out.

This past Saturday (August 4th), the fiancee and I took a road trip to Algoma, a nice little town on the shore of Lake Michigan. We like to do this every so often. She loves the local winery and I'm partial to the brewery tap room next door to it. We both love the smoked salmon at the seafood shop down the street. I was wearing normal "male" clothes and sandals. My toes were out for the whole world to see...

The ride to Algoma was extremely tense. I though several times about breaking up with my sweet woman, just to distance myself from her intolerance. She couldn't stand thinking that someone she knows might see me in public wearing a dress or skirt. She's terrified that someone will see my pretty pink toenails and what they'll imply about her because of it. She is very much controlled by the opinions of people who, quite honestly, have no influence over either of our lives.

We went back and forth, each stating their case calmly. When it was said and done, she had a better understanding of why I feel the need to do these unusual things and I had a better perspective on why it frightened her so. Neither of us fully grasp the reasoning behind the other's position, but we both now have a little insight into the other's perceptions.

When we arrived at the seafood place, I jumped out of the car and ran in to use the restroom. Damn you, Starbucks! When I emerged, she was already inside the shop perusing the selection. She didn't say a word about my toes, though I know she was concerned about them. We made our purchase there and went back to the car. There were people in the parking lot in plain view of my shameful pink piggies, but nobody said a word. 

We drove to the winery and I walked in with her for a bit. Sometimes I'll indulge in a tasting, but not on this occasion. I told her I was going next door for a pint or two of the local vanilla porter (yum!), then did exactly that. The only seat in the tap room was at a small table against the wall, where everyone entering or leaving walked right past me. I enjoyed 2 pints of beer before the fiancee (let's call her Larissa -- can't keep calling her "my fiancee" forever) texted me that she was back in the car and ready to move on. 

We drove to the beach and got out of the car. I offered to cover my feet up for the walk along the jetty, but Larissa put on her brave face and said, "no, leave them as they are." I was shocked, to say the least, but happy to oblige. We spent about an hour walking along the jetty, talking, taking pictures and enjoying the occasional thrill of water splashing up over the jetty and spraying us (the sea was angry that day, my friends). Several people passed us in one direction or another, and guess what...nobody said a word. People rarely do. Every once in a while I'll get, "I like the color on your toes" or "what a pretty skirt," but nothing negative.

On the ride home, Larissa proposed a solution that could work for both of us. For my end, I agree to keep my public outings outside a 30-mile radius of our hometown. For her end, she agrees that my home is my castle, and any way the King decides to dress himself in his castle is acceptable to the Queen. It all sounds pretty nifty in theory, with both of us making concessions to come to a mutually acceptable solution. The problem is, the Queen has never seen His Majesty in a skirt. So Larissa proposes another solution -- one day very soon, when we're both at home in our castle, I will change into whatever Royal skirt I choose, and she will intentionally see it. Only then can she be sure that our previous agreement is something she can live with.

Fast forward 2 days. I finish work at 7pm and head home. Larissa is cutting vegetables and sorting them into sandwich bags to take to work with her. I ask if today is "the day" that she wants to "see it." My little trooper agrees, and off I go to the bedroom to choose the perfect outfit. The perfect outfit, as it turns out, is a black Ozzy Osbourne t-shirt, ultra-sheer nude pantyhose and the first skirt I can get my hands on. I'm choosy like that. The skirt was a cute cream skater skirt with beige diagonal stripes.

When I walked back out into the kitchen, Larissa had her back to me. I stood next to her with my back to the counter and waited. After a few seconds, she stepped back and took a long look at the lower half of my outfit. To her great credit, she didn't wig out. She didn't gag and she didn't make any awful faces. She simply stated, "that's not so bad," then returned to cutting her veggies. This represents the absolute best case scenario in my mind. I know she's uncomfortable with it, but it didn't shock her, so I think it's something she can come to terms with over time.

I spent maybe another 15 minutes in my skirt before I knew she was ready for the experiment to be finished for the night. I slipped off my skirt, peeled off my pantyhose and put on my standard house-lounging basketball shorts. All in all, I think it went pretty well.

The unexpected benefit of this whole evolution is that Larissa now knows that I participate in online forums specifically for crossdressers, and that I'm interested in meeting like-minded people in the local area to share my affinity for all things feminine. I even mentioned an outing later this month in Green Bay, where a group of CDs will go shopping after hours (with the shop owner's permission, of course), then on to a drag show that evening. I would very much like to participate, and she doesn't seem to have a problem with it.

So the times, they are a changing, boys and girls. I think we're finally on the right track.

It's been a week!

Last week, while attending a rock music festival, I got slightly drunk and revealed my "secret" to a (female) kinda / sort friend, in a moment of drunken honesty. Much to my delight, she told me "I don't care what you wear."

Fast forward a week. Me and this friend (let's call her Brenda) decide to go out for pedicures. I gather up my courage, jump into a blue maxi skirt and drive up to meet her. Let me tell you, folks, I had the VERY BEST time I can remember hanging out with Brenda. She's literally non-judgmental. She doesn't give a damn what I wear. I can't find the words to describe how refreshing that is, after 9 years with a woman who considers crossdressing a shameful, dirty little secret.

Brenda and I had some time to kill before our nail appointment, so we drove a thrift store near the nail salon and went inside. Here I am, very much male from the waist up, in a skirt and girly sandals, walking around a thrift store with about a dozen or so "normal" shoppers, checking out dresses, skirts, shoes, etc., and nobody seemed to care at all. We had a great time shopping! Brenda found a cute red, white & blue tie-dyed maxi skirt that she loved, so we headed to the dressing room. Here I am waiting for Brenda to come out, playing with the golf clubs, not even on anyone else's radar. Brenda walks out of the dressing room and tells me the skirt fits her perfectly, but while she was in there, it occurred to her that this particular skirt would look good on me. It didn't take much convincing to get me and the skirt into the dressing room, and wouldn't you know it, the darn thing fits me perfectly, too! Brenda insists that I buy the skirt (it's less than $3), so I do. We stand in line for the cashier, I pay for my skirt and off we go. Not a single incident to report.

So we head to the nail salon and they're ready for us right away. We sit in the pedicure chairs and I experience one of the most awesome experiences of my life. Why hasn't anyone told me how great a pedicure feels and looks when it's all done? The color Brenda chose for me (I'm awful at picking the right color) was a soft pink. With the pink on my toes, the tech asked if I wanted a design on my big toes for an extra $5. What the heck, I'd love that! So she draws a beautiful design on my big toes and a few minutes later I'm off to the dryer. My head is spinning at this point, because I've been all over town in this skirt and haven't heard so much as a snicker from anyone. Now I'm sitting with my feet under this dryer next to a lady I've never met before, and we're having a perfectly normal conversation. Have I died and gone to heaven? Nope, just to a nail salon, where apparently judgment is left at the door. Needless to say, I will be returning, whether Brenda comes along or not.

After the nail salon, I follow Brenda back to her apartment and we just sit on the couch and visit for a while. She tells me her kids (both in their late teens) are on their way home, along with her son's "really nice" friend. I start to panic. I ask if I should leave. Brenda reassures me that her kids will be totally cool, so I stay. The kids walk through the door and, aside from a smirk from Brenda's daughter, they act as if they didn't even notice my bright blue skirt and pink polished toenails. Oh, and that I appear to be a man otherwise. I'm overjoyed. I can hardly contain my smile, but I must. If I turn it into an event, then it will be my fault it became an event, and I will have ruined a perfect day. After a while, I decide it's time to go home and get changed so I can meet my siblings for dinner. Brenda and I hug on her front porch and decide we'll get together on Friday, just to hang out and shop for shoes online.

Friday comes along, and Brenda gets called in to work, so my plans with her are canceled. I'm a little bummed, but I trudge on. An hour later, my cousin, with whom I was supposed to go see a movie, texts and tells me she's too broke for the movie, so we'll have to do it another time. Now I'm getting depressed. All my girly plans for the day have fallen through. So I contact my sister and her ex-husband. I agreed to set up Fire Sticks for them that day, so why not have them come over early and get that knocked out. The landlord's handyman is replacing the air conditioner in my bedroom, so I'm hesitant to change while he's there, but decided just to be bold and go ahead. I slip into my favorite black skirt and move on with my day. My ex-brother-in-law shows up and doesn't even mention my attire. Perfect. That's exactly what I would love to have happen every day. A short while later, my sister shows up. My sister has never seen me in any type of feminine attire, so she's slightly shocked when she sees me. This quickly passes. In fact, later in the day she confessed that she was hoping I'd be wearing a skirt or dress so she could see it and have some time to get acclimated to it. She's a great sister. I'm blessed to have her. Her ex (I'll call him Bill - not his real name), still a good friend of mine and hers, tells me he doesn't care what I wear, and he'd be happy to strap on a dress and go out in public with me. Great sentiment, but unnecessary. We drink through a 12-pack of beer and my sister polishes off a bottle of my fiancee's wine, so Bill decides to run to the liquor store for more adult beverages. Bill the blows my mind by asking if I'd like to come along. Of course I would! I don't know if he was serious, but I called the bluff. Turns out he wasn't bluffing. We went to the liquor store, goofed off a bit there, made our purchases and left, again without any incident.

Back at the ranch, my sister (let's call her Julie - also not her real name) is jamming out to Ozzy (I told you she's a great sister!) and waiting for us to get back. Bill's girlfriend comes over to join the fun, as does Bill's dog. I'm in heaven. I couldn't be happier. I finish setting up Julie's Fire Sticks (all 6 of them!) for her and proceed to set up Bill's girlfriend's (let's call her Anna). By the time Anna showed up, I had decided to show off a pair of tights I really like. They're nude and have black roses imprinted on them. Julie digs the tights, as does Anna. Not a word of ridicule or derision is said the entire day.

That is, until after all the party people leave. My fiancee gets home around 6:30. Bill and Anna leave about an hour after that. I fall asleep in the recliner, quite drunk, having not finished Anna's Fire Stick. My fiancee gives Julie a ride home, stops at Hardee's and brings dinner home with her. At this point it's about midnight and I have to be up to go to work at 5:00am. After we finish eating, for some reason I blurt out that Brenda went to the nail salon with me. This doesn't sit well with the fiancee. Not well AT ALL. She asks why I didn't tell her this sooner. I say because I don't want to suffer her wrath, as I do whenever anything even remotely crossdress-y comes up.

By the time I went to bed, the fiancee had accused me of "escalating" my crossdressing, keeping secrets from her and I can't even remember what else. My perfect day is obliterated. Smashed. Eviscerated. I'm despondent. She finishes the emotional beatdown by telling me that Julie and Bill and Anna are "my people," and what I do around them is my business, but don't parade around in front of the neighbors in feminine clothes. Of course, it's too late for that. I spoke with 2 of our neighbors yesterday, while wearing my femme finery, and was warmly received by both (both women). A 3rd neighbor walked by, gave me a nod and went into his apartment. He's seen me in a skirt before. He doesn't care. In fact, none of the neighbors seem to give a damn. Only my fiancee is petrified of what total strangers will think or say.

That was last night. As I type this, it's around 4:15pm on Saturday. I've been at work since 7:00am. My fiancee didn't come to bed until after she heard my alarm going off this morning. She hasn't said a word to me since I went to bed. She pocket texted me a couple hours ago. I responded, but she hasn't. I'm afraid this relationship is about to implode, but I won't stop it. My uncle's death had an impact on me, as described in an earlier post. Life is short. Be who you are. I won't compromise who I am because she's worried about the neighbors, or strangers. I can't let the opinions of others shape what I do. I love being girly. I love wearing girly clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc. I love having my nails polished. I've never been with a man sexually. I have gay fantasies, as I understand most guys do, but for the past 47 years, I've never acted on them. If the fiancee and I break up, I may indeed explore that, but I really have no intention of doing that otherwise.

In the end, I can't live my life by her rules. I can't let her fears hold me back. I can't let her judgment lay me low and break me. I have to be strong. I have to be real. If she can't handle it, then we're not such a great fit for each other afterall. I will not succumb to her bullying tactics any longer. I'm not ashamed of who I am. As Iggy Pop once said, I'm not ashamed to dress like a woman, because I don't think being a woman is shameful.

Anyway, that's an ongoing issue, so I'll just wait and see how it plays out. In the meantime, here are a couple pictures of the awesome pedicure I got with Brenda. I hope you like them!

Home Again

The trip to Arizona was fun. We did a lot of driving -- over 1,200 miles in 3 days! We saw Arizona's beauty from so many vantage points, and it was inspiring.

I brought a few feminine items along, including a skirt, but never wore it. Things were going well. I didn't want to make waves with my compulsion to wear a skirt, so it just didn't come up.

There was a moment, shopping in Scottsdale, when I mentioned that I liked a certain dress. My fiancee shocked me by asking if I liked it for myself. This is HUGE. She doesn't like me crossdressing, but she understands now that it's something I need and something I love to do. So she throws me a bone and I'm elated. Any stride toward full acceptance is good, in my opinion.

My fiancee knows that I shave my legs. She's known for a while. So we were at a Walmart in Page, AZ, picking up a few odds and ends. I mentioned that I didn't bring a leg razor with me, so she grabbed a pack of "girl" razors and threw them in the cart. Another stride toward acceptance, in my opinion.

We flew back 2 weeks ago, and things have settled back into a routine. On the way home from the airport, our car overheated, blew both head gaskets and died on an off-ramp. We decided that the car (a 2007 Subaru) was too old to invest the $3,000 it would take to fix it, so we bought a 2017 Nissan Rogue to replace it. Other than that, nothing too exciting, good or bad, has happened.

My schedule rotates, so every other month I have my weekends off. This is my last full weekend off until August, which means my fiancee is home with me. This makes it difficult to dress as I would like, but I also have the next two days off, so I'll get my girl on then. I know I'm jonesing to dress, as I'm looking around for places I may have stashed a pair of pantyhose, but alas, no luck finding any. Oh well, I only have to wait until tomorrow...

Did I Say I Was Better?

 My brain is like a bag of cats.

Yesterday I felt fine. Better than fine. I even got a little girl time after work. Wore a dress, enjoyed being feminine, win / win, right?

Today I came to a horrible realization. But more on that later. First, the setup...

My fiancee and I are taking a trip to Arizona, which starts a week from today. We're going to the Grand Canyon, Antelope Canyon, Horseshoe Bend, etc. Then we're heading south, visiting Tombstone and then spending our last 2 days partying our asses off in Phoenix. So far, so good.

Did I mention that the day we fly to Arizona is also my 47th birthday? Well, it is. My fiancee, whose heart is absolutely huge and ever-flowing with love and affection, has been grilling me lately about what I would like her to give me for my birthday. I'm not big on receiving gifts, be it my birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, etc, so I always tell her the same thing -- "your love and attention are all I ever want you to give me."

Great sentiment, but also complete bullshit. What I really want, and have for years, is for her to accept me as I am, dresses and all, as if it were no big deal. This has been my fondest wish for so long, and with this trip coming up, I feel like I have an opportunity to prove to her that it's no big deal. I can wear skirts and the like on our trip without anyone we know ever seeing it. What's even better is that I doubt anyone in Arizona is going to make a fuss over some dude in a skirt. My experience has been that people either don't notice or don't care.

I typed a letter to my beloved on Saturday (3 days ago), laying it all out. The trip, my recent outing to the movies, everything. I even went as far as to state that if she can't get her mind wrapped around this, we'll have to break up. It's not going away, and I can't bear the thought of suppressing it for the rest of my life. I love this woman, more than my own life, but I can't pretend to be someone I'm not. I'm a crossdresser. I crossdress. I always have. I always will. If I don't drop this letter on her, and damn soon, the opportunity is going to slip away.

So here's the horrible realization: I'm a coward. Fear rules me. I know how to make Millions of Dollars investing in real estate, but I'm afraid to talk to sellers on the phone, so I give in to the fear and keep my day job. I know that crossdressing makes me feel more comfortable, confident and alive, but I'm afraid to have this conversation with my fiancee, so I let fear win once again. The letter has not been printed. I have not told her about it. I am terrified of her reaction to it.

Oh but to be bold just once in my life! To push fear aside and live MY FUCKING LIFE on MY FUCKING TERMS!! But I'm a coward, you see. I have always let fear dictate my actions, and chances are very good that I always will. Not only am I a coward, but a fucking loser as well.

My fiancee senses that I'm deeply troubled by something. She has tried to pull it out of me. She doesn't know how volatile this situation really is. Every time I mention crossdressing to her, she turns cold. Every time I ask her to just try to accept it, she becomes enraged. I am, at this very moment, presented with the sadistic choice Willem Dafoe mentioned in Spider-Man. Do I cling to the woman I love so dearly, and in doing so denounce a part of myself forever, or do I embrace who I am and lose her? There is no happy outcome to this conundrum. I must choose whether to value her affection over my own sanity or not. To be content and lonely or miserable with this wonderful person at my side.

The coward in me is telling me to take the layup. Go with the safe bet. Keep the woman and burn the girly things. But there's another voice vying for my attention. This voice tells me that fortune favors the bold. If I lose this woman, another will appear, one who doesn't care what kind of clothes I wear or whether I present myself to the world as male or female on any given day. But I love her so damn much...

Feeling A Bit Better

As it tends to do, my depression has waned just a bit. I still feel alone, but not as much as I did last week.

All I want is to be accepted as I am. I'm not a drag queen. I'm not transgender. I'm just a man who likes to wear feminine things.

I look at Instagram and see men, with beards and mustaches, wearing over the top makeup styles. They don't look bad. Actually, they look pretty cool and, well, pretty! Men looking pretty, posting pictures of their pretty faces for the whole world to see, and I'm over here in my skirt, pantyhose and heels like, what's the big deal?

I intended to have another crossdressing adventure this week, but my laziness got the better of me. I also intended to mow the lawn wearing a skirt, which I also didn't do. It's a good thing I didn't, though. Halfway through mowing, my landlord showed up to drop of something or other, and made a point to wave at me. Had I been wearing a skirt, it may have become awkward.

That's just what I'm talking about. Why should it get awkward? Aren't clothes just clothes? Should my landlord make a big deal about the clothes I choose to wear while carrying out my yard duties? As long as he gets his check every month, it shouldn't matter to him. Yet somehow my mind places an irrational fear upon the prospect of anyone who knows me seeing me wearing the clothes I'm most comfortable in.

I know it's all in my head, with the exception of my lovely fiancee. With her, it's all too real.

Even my sister, with whom I had a semi-drunken conversation yesterday, is more or less accepting of my fashion choices. She said it would take her some time to get used to, but whatever makes me happy and comfortable is cool with her.

A little back-story on my sister: When she got married back in 2007, I did not attend. I believed that she had stopped talking to me when I told the whole family about my crossdressing. For years I believed that she would disown me because I liked to wear girly things. Time passed and we started talking again. Our relationship has improved drastically since then, and I now realize that the wedge between us wasn't crossdressing, but our mother. My sister didn't invite our mom to her wedding, for her own reasons, and I understand them. However, the method by which our mother learned that she wasn't invited was cruel and hurtful. I couldn't help but side with my mother and agree that my sister should have told her outright that she wasn't invited, and explain her reasoning for it. That misunderstanding cost me 5 years of my relationship with my sister, and it hurts my heart when I think about it.

So, when that same sister tells me she's cool with however I choose to attire myself, it gives me a warm feeling. It feels like acceptance to me, which is all I ask of anyone.

I'm still feeling depressed, but it's manageable now. I still feel alone, but not as utterly alone as I did a few days ago. I still wish and hope and pray that my fiancee will come around to acceptance, and will take whatever baby steps are necessary to facilitate that, but if it never comes, I'll have to find a way to endure and soldier on. I can't let one person's judgment cripple me. I'm a magnificent, vibrant person, with a lot to offer. I feel love in my heart. I know there is kindness and decency within me, even if I haven't found a consistent way to present it outwardly. I know there is a place in this world where I can be who I want to be, without the scorn and judgment of everyone close to me. All I have to do is find that place, that state of being, to cast off the chains of shame and guilt, and be the person I know I can be.

I'm going to try to do another pantyhose review very soon. I found some ultra sheer, soft and comfy pantyhose at Kohl's that I'm anxious to tell you about!

Hello Depression My Old Friend

The high I felt from going to a movie in a skirt and nylons has faded. Reality has intruded once again.

My fiancée is terrified that someone she knows will see me wearing what I love to wear - namely skirts, dresses, feminine hosiery & high heels. Every time I broach the subject of crossdressing, she instantly goes ice cold.

There was one such moment last week. I was still feeling really good about my movie trip, so I brought up my feminine wardrobe to her, mentioning the fact that I'd found a pretty necklace at a local thrift store. Instead of encouraging my happiness, she went cold. She made me feel ashamed of myself for doing something which harmed nobody, something I truly enjoy doing - shopping for feminine things for myself.

I felt lower than a snake's belly. I felt like a filthy degenerate. She didn't have to say a word to reduce me to a repugnant little worm. Just like the last time I tried to discuss crossdressing with her, the experience left me feeling alone. So very alone.

It was at that very moment that I realized that this relationship is doomed. As long as we're together, I can never be who I truly am. I can never feel the freedom I felt at that movie theater, for any prolonged period. I can never be ME. I'll always have to put on an act for her.

Knowing that the relationship has to end hurts. We've been together for 9 years. She is closer to me than anyone else in the world. Yet she refuses to know the real me. Refuses to even consider my feelings.

I've been on the verge of tears ever since that moment. I feel disconnected and alone. So very alone. I've become a stranger in my own life, and now I have to choose whether to remain this stranger or let go of the person I love most.

Life sucks. I mean it just fucking sucks. I'm depressed. I'm contemplating suicide. I'm in a no-win situation. The good news for my fiancée is that I've lost all interest in crossdressing. The bad news is that I've lost all interest in everything else, too.

My life has been drained of all joy. This is the power she has over me. Do I love her enough to spend the rest of my life pretending I'm something I'm not?

I want to die. I want to be gone from this shitty life forever. I hope there is no afterlife. The prospect of continued existence is absolutely horrifying. I want oblivion. To never feel or think again. To not realize that I ever existed. To simply be gone. No pain. No depression. Nothingness.

HUGE Milestone

I've been in love with wearing feminine clothes since I was 5 years old and tried on a pair of my mom's pantyhose. I was instantly hooked!

I'm a month away from my 47th birthday. My favorite uncle passed away on April 1st. Though unrelated, these two events have inspired me to look inward, at why I don't feel fulfilled or happy with my life. What I realized was that I haven't been living my authentic life!

42 years after I tried on mom's nylons, I'm hiding my feminine proclivities from the world out of fear of being "found out" by coworkers, friends, the public at large. Why? What is so wrong with wanting to wear dresses and heels and tights? Nothing. It's harmless.

That's why today, of all days, while at work, I hatched a scheme to face my fear once and for all.

Several hours later, I stepped out of my car at the local movie theater wearing a black heavy metal hoodie, a blue skater skirt, glossy black tights and black ballet flats. Nervous as all hell, I strolled into the theater and collected my ticket from the Fandango kiosk in the outer lobby (amidst the laughter of people behind me) and strolled into the lobby as if everything was perfectly normal. I ordered popcorn and a large soda, calmly walked to the soda fountain to fill my cup, then proceeded to the auditorium and sat in my comfy recliner seat to enjoy a seemingly endless barrage of movie previews.

All the while, only 2 chuckles, including the people behind me walking into the building. I got more than a few odd looks and sidelong glances, but nobody was openly hostile or even rude.

All in all, it was a tremendous first outing as a man in a skirt. I feel so accomplished and genuinely happy, all because I stepped out of my comfort zone. The sky didn't fall, nobody tried to shame or humiliate me, and the world keeps on spinning.

Maybe I'll do it again tomorrow....which is actually today! It's 4:30 am already! Good night!