The high I felt from going to a movie in a skirt and nylons has faded. Reality has intruded once again.
My fiancée is terrified that someone she knows will see me wearing what I love to wear - namely skirts, dresses, feminine hosiery & high heels. Every time I broach the subject of crossdressing, she instantly goes ice cold.
There was one such moment last week. I was still feeling really good about my movie trip, so I brought up my feminine wardrobe to her, mentioning the fact that I'd found a pretty necklace at a local thrift store. Instead of encouraging my happiness, she went cold. She made me feel ashamed of myself for doing something which harmed nobody, something I truly enjoy doing - shopping for feminine things for myself.
I felt lower than a snake's belly. I felt like a filthy degenerate. She didn't have to say a word to reduce me to a repugnant little worm. Just like the last time I tried to discuss crossdressing with her, the experience left me feeling alone. So very alone.
It was at that very moment that I realized that this relationship is doomed. As long as we're together, I can never be who I truly am. I can never feel the freedom I felt at that movie theater, for any prolonged period. I can never be ME. I'll always have to put on an act for her.
Knowing that the relationship has to end hurts. We've been together for 9 years. She is closer to me than anyone else in the world. Yet she refuses to know the real me. Refuses to even consider my feelings.
I've been on the verge of tears ever since that moment. I feel disconnected and alone. So very alone. I've become a stranger in my own life, and now I have to choose whether to remain this stranger or let go of the person I love most.
Life sucks. I mean it just fucking sucks. I'm depressed. I'm contemplating suicide. I'm in a no-win situation. The good news for my fiancée is that I've lost all interest in crossdressing. The bad news is that I've lost all interest in everything else, too.
My life has been drained of all joy. This is the power she has over me. Do I love her enough to spend the rest of my life pretending I'm something I'm not?
I want to die. I want to be gone from this shitty life forever. I hope there is no afterlife. The prospect of continued existence is absolutely horrifying. I want oblivion. To never feel or think again. To not realize that I ever existed. To simply be gone. No pain. No depression. Nothingness.
