It's been a week!

Last week, while attending a rock music festival, I got slightly drunk and revealed my "secret" to a (female) kinda / sort friend, in a moment of drunken honesty. Much to my delight, she told me "I don't care what you wear."

Fast forward a week. Me and this friend (let's call her Brenda) decide to go out for pedicures. I gather up my courage, jump into a blue maxi skirt and drive up to meet her. Let me tell you, folks, I had the VERY BEST time I can remember hanging out with Brenda. She's literally non-judgmental. She doesn't give a damn what I wear. I can't find the words to describe how refreshing that is, after 9 years with a woman who considers crossdressing a shameful, dirty little secret.

Brenda and I had some time to kill before our nail appointment, so we drove a thrift store near the nail salon and went inside. Here I am, very much male from the waist up, in a skirt and girly sandals, walking around a thrift store with about a dozen or so "normal" shoppers, checking out dresses, skirts, shoes, etc., and nobody seemed to care at all. We had a great time shopping! Brenda found a cute red, white & blue tie-dyed maxi skirt that she loved, so we headed to the dressing room. Here I am waiting for Brenda to come out, playing with the golf clubs, not even on anyone else's radar. Brenda walks out of the dressing room and tells me the skirt fits her perfectly, but while she was in there, it occurred to her that this particular skirt would look good on me. It didn't take much convincing to get me and the skirt into the dressing room, and wouldn't you know it, the darn thing fits me perfectly, too! Brenda insists that I buy the skirt (it's less than $3), so I do. We stand in line for the cashier, I pay for my skirt and off we go. Not a single incident to report.

So we head to the nail salon and they're ready for us right away. We sit in the pedicure chairs and I experience one of the most awesome experiences of my life. Why hasn't anyone told me how great a pedicure feels and looks when it's all done? The color Brenda chose for me (I'm awful at picking the right color) was a soft pink. With the pink on my toes, the tech asked if I wanted a design on my big toes for an extra $5. What the heck, I'd love that! So she draws a beautiful design on my big toes and a few minutes later I'm off to the dryer. My head is spinning at this point, because I've been all over town in this skirt and haven't heard so much as a snicker from anyone. Now I'm sitting with my feet under this dryer next to a lady I've never met before, and we're having a perfectly normal conversation. Have I died and gone to heaven? Nope, just to a nail salon, where apparently judgment is left at the door. Needless to say, I will be returning, whether Brenda comes along or not.

After the nail salon, I follow Brenda back to her apartment and we just sit on the couch and visit for a while. She tells me her kids (both in their late teens) are on their way home, along with her son's "really nice" friend. I start to panic. I ask if I should leave. Brenda reassures me that her kids will be totally cool, so I stay. The kids walk through the door and, aside from a smirk from Brenda's daughter, they act as if they didn't even notice my bright blue skirt and pink polished toenails. Oh, and that I appear to be a man otherwise. I'm overjoyed. I can hardly contain my smile, but I must. If I turn it into an event, then it will be my fault it became an event, and I will have ruined a perfect day. After a while, I decide it's time to go home and get changed so I can meet my siblings for dinner. Brenda and I hug on her front porch and decide we'll get together on Friday, just to hang out and shop for shoes online.

Friday comes along, and Brenda gets called in to work, so my plans with her are canceled. I'm a little bummed, but I trudge on. An hour later, my cousin, with whom I was supposed to go see a movie, texts and tells me she's too broke for the movie, so we'll have to do it another time. Now I'm getting depressed. All my girly plans for the day have fallen through. So I contact my sister and her ex-husband. I agreed to set up Fire Sticks for them that day, so why not have them come over early and get that knocked out. The landlord's handyman is replacing the air conditioner in my bedroom, so I'm hesitant to change while he's there, but decided just to be bold and go ahead. I slip into my favorite black skirt and move on with my day. My ex-brother-in-law shows up and doesn't even mention my attire. Perfect. That's exactly what I would love to have happen every day. A short while later, my sister shows up. My sister has never seen me in any type of feminine attire, so she's slightly shocked when she sees me. This quickly passes. In fact, later in the day she confessed that she was hoping I'd be wearing a skirt or dress so she could see it and have some time to get acclimated to it. She's a great sister. I'm blessed to have her. Her ex (I'll call him Bill - not his real name), still a good friend of mine and hers, tells me he doesn't care what I wear, and he'd be happy to strap on a dress and go out in public with me. Great sentiment, but unnecessary. We drink through a 12-pack of beer and my sister polishes off a bottle of my fiancee's wine, so Bill decides to run to the liquor store for more adult beverages. Bill the blows my mind by asking if I'd like to come along. Of course I would! I don't know if he was serious, but I called the bluff. Turns out he wasn't bluffing. We went to the liquor store, goofed off a bit there, made our purchases and left, again without any incident.

Back at the ranch, my sister (let's call her Julie - also not her real name) is jamming out to Ozzy (I told you she's a great sister!) and waiting for us to get back. Bill's girlfriend comes over to join the fun, as does Bill's dog. I'm in heaven. I couldn't be happier. I finish setting up Julie's Fire Sticks (all 6 of them!) for her and proceed to set up Bill's girlfriend's (let's call her Anna). By the time Anna showed up, I had decided to show off a pair of tights I really like. They're nude and have black roses imprinted on them. Julie digs the tights, as does Anna. Not a word of ridicule or derision is said the entire day.

That is, until after all the party people leave. My fiancee gets home around 6:30. Bill and Anna leave about an hour after that. I fall asleep in the recliner, quite drunk, having not finished Anna's Fire Stick. My fiancee gives Julie a ride home, stops at Hardee's and brings dinner home with her. At this point it's about midnight and I have to be up to go to work at 5:00am. After we finish eating, for some reason I blurt out that Brenda went to the nail salon with me. This doesn't sit well with the fiancee. Not well AT ALL. She asks why I didn't tell her this sooner. I say because I don't want to suffer her wrath, as I do whenever anything even remotely crossdress-y comes up.

By the time I went to bed, the fiancee had accused me of "escalating" my crossdressing, keeping secrets from her and I can't even remember what else. My perfect day is obliterated. Smashed. Eviscerated. I'm despondent. She finishes the emotional beatdown by telling me that Julie and Bill and Anna are "my people," and what I do around them is my business, but don't parade around in front of the neighbors in feminine clothes. Of course, it's too late for that. I spoke with 2 of our neighbors yesterday, while wearing my femme finery, and was warmly received by both (both women). A 3rd neighbor walked by, gave me a nod and went into his apartment. He's seen me in a skirt before. He doesn't care. In fact, none of the neighbors seem to give a damn. Only my fiancee is petrified of what total strangers will think or say.

That was last night. As I type this, it's around 4:15pm on Saturday. I've been at work since 7:00am. My fiancee didn't come to bed until after she heard my alarm going off this morning. She hasn't said a word to me since I went to bed. She pocket texted me a couple hours ago. I responded, but she hasn't. I'm afraid this relationship is about to implode, but I won't stop it. My uncle's death had an impact on me, as described in an earlier post. Life is short. Be who you are. I won't compromise who I am because she's worried about the neighbors, or strangers. I can't let the opinions of others shape what I do. I love being girly. I love wearing girly clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc. I love having my nails polished. I've never been with a man sexually. I have gay fantasies, as I understand most guys do, but for the past 47 years, I've never acted on them. If the fiancee and I break up, I may indeed explore that, but I really have no intention of doing that otherwise.

In the end, I can't live my life by her rules. I can't let her fears hold me back. I can't let her judgment lay me low and break me. I have to be strong. I have to be real. If she can't handle it, then we're not such a great fit for each other afterall. I will not succumb to her bullying tactics any longer. I'm not ashamed of who I am. As Iggy Pop once said, I'm not ashamed to dress like a woman, because I don't think being a woman is shameful.

Anyway, that's an ongoing issue, so I'll just wait and see how it plays out. In the meantime, here are a couple pictures of the awesome pedicure I got with Brenda. I hope you like them!