Feeling A Bit Better

As it tends to do, my depression has waned just a bit. I still feel alone, but not as much as I did last week.

All I want is to be accepted as I am. I'm not a drag queen. I'm not transgender. I'm just a man who likes to wear feminine things.

I look at Instagram and see men, with beards and mustaches, wearing over the top makeup styles. They don't look bad. Actually, they look pretty cool and, well, pretty! Men looking pretty, posting pictures of their pretty faces for the whole world to see, and I'm over here in my skirt, pantyhose and heels like, what's the big deal?

I intended to have another crossdressing adventure this week, but my laziness got the better of me. I also intended to mow the lawn wearing a skirt, which I also didn't do. It's a good thing I didn't, though. Halfway through mowing, my landlord showed up to drop of something or other, and made a point to wave at me. Had I been wearing a skirt, it may have become awkward.

That's just what I'm talking about. Why should it get awkward? Aren't clothes just clothes? Should my landlord make a big deal about the clothes I choose to wear while carrying out my yard duties? As long as he gets his check every month, it shouldn't matter to him. Yet somehow my mind places an irrational fear upon the prospect of anyone who knows me seeing me wearing the clothes I'm most comfortable in.

I know it's all in my head, with the exception of my lovely fiancee. With her, it's all too real.

Even my sister, with whom I had a semi-drunken conversation yesterday, is more or less accepting of my fashion choices. She said it would take her some time to get used to, but whatever makes me happy and comfortable is cool with her.

A little back-story on my sister: When she got married back in 2007, I did not attend. I believed that she had stopped talking to me when I told the whole family about my crossdressing. For years I believed that she would disown me because I liked to wear girly things. Time passed and we started talking again. Our relationship has improved drastically since then, and I now realize that the wedge between us wasn't crossdressing, but our mother. My sister didn't invite our mom to her wedding, for her own reasons, and I understand them. However, the method by which our mother learned that she wasn't invited was cruel and hurtful. I couldn't help but side with my mother and agree that my sister should have told her outright that she wasn't invited, and explain her reasoning for it. That misunderstanding cost me 5 years of my relationship with my sister, and it hurts my heart when I think about it.

So, when that same sister tells me she's cool with however I choose to attire myself, it gives me a warm feeling. It feels like acceptance to me, which is all I ask of anyone.

I'm still feeling depressed, but it's manageable now. I still feel alone, but not as utterly alone as I did a few days ago. I still wish and hope and pray that my fiancee will come around to acceptance, and will take whatever baby steps are necessary to facilitate that, but if it never comes, I'll have to find a way to endure and soldier on. I can't let one person's judgment cripple me. I'm a magnificent, vibrant person, with a lot to offer. I feel love in my heart. I know there is kindness and decency within me, even if I haven't found a consistent way to present it outwardly. I know there is a place in this world where I can be who I want to be, without the scorn and judgment of everyone close to me. All I have to do is find that place, that state of being, to cast off the chains of shame and guilt, and be the person I know I can be.

I'm going to try to do another pantyhose review very soon. I found some ultra sheer, soft and comfy pantyhose at Kohl's that I'm anxious to tell you about!