Hello Depression My Old Friend

The high I felt from going to a movie in a skirt and nylons has faded. Reality has intruded once again.

My fiancée is terrified that someone she knows will see me wearing what I love to wear - namely skirts, dresses, feminine hosiery & high heels. Every time I broach the subject of crossdressing, she instantly goes ice cold.

There was one such moment last week. I was still feeling really good about my movie trip, so I brought up my feminine wardrobe to her, mentioning the fact that I'd found a pretty necklace at a local thrift store. Instead of encouraging my happiness, she went cold. She made me feel ashamed of myself for doing something which harmed nobody, something I truly enjoy doing - shopping for feminine things for myself.

I felt lower than a snake's belly. I felt like a filthy degenerate. She didn't have to say a word to reduce me to a repugnant little worm. Just like the last time I tried to discuss crossdressing with her, the experience left me feeling alone. So very alone.

It was at that very moment that I realized that this relationship is doomed. As long as we're together, I can never be who I truly am. I can never feel the freedom I felt at that movie theater, for any prolonged period. I can never be ME. I'll always have to put on an act for her.

Knowing that the relationship has to end hurts. We've been together for 9 years. She is closer to me than anyone else in the world. Yet she refuses to know the real me. Refuses to even consider my feelings.

I've been on the verge of tears ever since that moment. I feel disconnected and alone. So very alone. I've become a stranger in my own life, and now I have to choose whether to remain this stranger or let go of the person I love most.

Life sucks. I mean it just fucking sucks. I'm depressed. I'm contemplating suicide. I'm in a no-win situation. The good news for my fiancée is that I've lost all interest in crossdressing. The bad news is that I've lost all interest in everything else, too.

My life has been drained of all joy. This is the power she has over me. Do I love her enough to spend the rest of my life pretending I'm something I'm not?

I want to die. I want to be gone from this shitty life forever. I hope there is no afterlife. The prospect of continued existence is absolutely horrifying. I want oblivion. To never feel or think again. To not realize that I ever existed. To simply be gone. No pain. No depression. Nothingness.

HUGE Milestone

I've been in love with wearing feminine clothes since I was 5 years old and tried on a pair of my mom's pantyhose. I was instantly hooked!

I'm a month away from my 47th birthday. My favorite uncle passed away on April 1st. Though unrelated, these two events have inspired me to look inward, at why I don't feel fulfilled or happy with my life. What I realized was that I haven't been living my authentic life!

42 years after I tried on mom's nylons, I'm hiding my feminine proclivities from the world out of fear of being "found out" by coworkers, friends, the public at large. Why? What is so wrong with wanting to wear dresses and heels and tights? Nothing. It's harmless.

That's why today, of all days, while at work, I hatched a scheme to face my fear once and for all.

Several hours later, I stepped out of my car at the local movie theater wearing a black heavy metal hoodie, a blue skater skirt, glossy black tights and black ballet flats. Nervous as all hell, I strolled into the theater and collected my ticket from the Fandango kiosk in the outer lobby (amidst the laughter of people behind me) and strolled into the lobby as if everything was perfectly normal. I ordered popcorn and a large soda, calmly walked to the soda fountain to fill my cup, then proceeded to the auditorium and sat in my comfy recliner seat to enjoy a seemingly endless barrage of movie previews.

All the while, only 2 chuckles, including the people behind me walking into the building. I got more than a few odd looks and sidelong glances, but nobody was openly hostile or even rude.

All in all, it was a tremendous first outing as a man in a skirt. I feel so accomplished and genuinely happy, all because I stepped out of my comfort zone. The sky didn't fall, nobody tried to shame or humiliate me, and the world keeps on spinning.

Maybe I'll do it again tomorrow....which is actually today! It's 4:30 am already! Good night!

Some Quick Pantyhose Shots

As I mentioned in the first post to this blog, I sorta have a thing for pantyhose. Alright, I'm a full-blown pantyhose FANATIC. I love pantyhose, in all their varying shades and styles. They're absolutely the most feminine garment ever.

Having said that, I actually shaved my legs today for the first time in years. Needless to say, I love the way they feel, but even more importantly, I got a chance to indulge in my favorite pastime -- trying on and wearing glossy, shiny, slippery new pantyhose!

So here they are...

First off, a teaser. These are Leggs Silken Mist pantyhose in "Nude." They're silky, very sheer and very, very comfy. 

Next, we move up the gloss scale ever so slightly. In this shot, I'm wearing Italiana Women 15 Denier Glossy pantyhose. 

These are also very comfy, just a bit glossy and more durable than most glossy pantyhose. I bought these because they weren't expensive and they promised a "high gloss" finish.

You can buy them here.

 


In these 6 shots, I was wearing Cecilia de Rafael Sevilla Gloss Tights in the shade "Natural." Like the previous pair, these are advertised as "high gloss," and I must admit they're much glossier than the Italiana pantyhose. 

 

For the final entry of this post, we have the often-imitated, never duplicated, Platino Cleancut 15 pantyhose in the shade "Caresse."

What can I say about Platino Cleancuts that hasn't already been said hundreds of times? BUY THESE PANTYHOSE! LOL

These are the slipperiest, glossiest, most elegant pantyhose I've ever worn. These photos don't do them justice at all. My legs look like they're coated in glass!

Well, that's it for this pantyhose show. Wait, did I just hear the mailman? I bet there's a pair of Cecilia de Rafael Eterno 15s in my mailbox...

Hello!

So...

My name is Marika (my CD name, not my birth name) and I'm a crossdresser. To the uninitiated, that means I'm a man who wears clothes traditionally worn only by women. 

Don't be shocked!

A lot of men do it. A lot more than you'd think, really. Estimates range from 10% to over 25% of American men! Most don't do it in public, and to be perfectly honest, I've gone out into the big, scary world only a handful of times in my feminine finery. The point is, crossdressing isn't this horrible, disgusting thing. It's just a man's way to express himself through the clothes (and / or jewelry, makeup, etc) he wears.

In this blog, I'll post whatever pops into my head to post. I'm a HUGE fan and collector of pantyhose, so I'll almost certainly post reviews of new pantyhose brands I try. If I get really brave, I'll even include photos! Oops, time to go shave these hairy legs!

Thanks for visiting my blog! I hope it becomes something that entertains and inspires you.